by Anna Breslaw

“I have a cold.” Tell him that if your mouth is occupied and your nose is too stuffed-up to breathe, you will shortly die of lack of oxygen, and your ghost will linger in the bedroom to warn all the girls who are there after you that his penis tastes weird

1. “I have this mouth fungus.” Have you ever seen Contagion? Like that. Except we can still make out, except it’s exactly like Contagion.

2. “But my cat’s watching.” See her, over there in the corner? Her green eyes glowing in the darkness? Whenever she sees me going down on a guy she gets really anxious and shits in the shower.

3. “My mouth is a virgin that wants its first time to be really special.” But my vagina got it over with in high school that night at the Seaside Heights group beach house with her prom date, so let’s just do that.

4. (In your best Bette Davis voice) “Don’t you want to see my face?” Then flail around the bedroom sobbing, knocking shit over. (Also try to be wearing an old-fashioned ’50s cape that billows dramatically when you storm out of the room.)

5. “Not until you get a mankini wax.” Which will be approximately the twelfth of Never.

6. “I have a cold.” Tell him that if your mouth is occupied and your nose is too stuffed-up to breathe, you will shortly die of lack of oxygen, and your ghost will linger in the bedroom to warn all the girls who are there after you that his penis tastes weird.

7. “Nope, you’re too drunk.” When he is sloshed, finishing is a crapshoot and either way it will take forever. In that amount of time, you can re-format your resume or read the next chapter of Gone Girl or pick up the mess your anxious cat left in the shower.

8. “Just warning you, I have TMJ.” Intimate you are an uncontrollable tooth grinder, and he will be running for the hills in seconds.

9. “But I already put my retainer/Invisalign in!” Until vigorously blowing a dude somehow becomes a free, low-maintenance way to straighten your teeth, this will be a valid excuse.

10. “Do me first.” If he says no, you’re in the clear. (And also, consider dumping him.)

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