by Frank Kobola

This might be the same cold you had two days ago, but we need you to look us in the eyes, hold our hands, and tell us we are not going to die.

1. Whine. 

Based on the way we complain, you’d think we have the Ebola virus and not the flu. As we roll around in our bed, writhing in agony and calling out for help in our final moments, no one could be blamed for thinking we were on our deathbed and not just processing out bad sushi.

2. Revert to a child-like state. 

Yeah, we act like giant babies, but we also really want someone to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with no crusts while we play videogames. Also, are there any juice boxes?

3. Watch Price is Right. 

To be fair, everyone does this. You might only get to watch it a handful of days a year, but you’re right there sipping Dayquil and shouting out prices and strategies like a veteran.

4. Fall asleep to SportsCenter. 

Then wake up and watchSportsCenter. Then fall asleep to SportsCenter. This cycle will continue all day. All we know is SportsCenter. All we understand isSportsCenter. It is the beginning and the end, the alpha and omega. It is there when we wake, covered in mucus and sweat, and there as we are lulled off to sleep. There is nothing else.

5. Need everything to be done for us.

If we have a 24-hour bug, you might as well invest in a bedpan, because we’ll essentially be rendered invalids. Can you help us sit up? Can you fluff our pillows? Feed us soup? Our joints are so wracked with the effects of a mild sore throat that we are brittle and weak.

6. Look for sympathy.

This might be the same cold you had two days ago, but we need you to look us in the eyes, hold our hands, and tell us we are not going to die.

7. Let EVERYONE know we’re sick.

 We’ll get a comforting call from our mom because we’re going to post “Being really sick sux L” on our Facebook wall five minutes after we call out of work for the day. Everyone needs to know that we are suffering, and preferably send us sympathy cards.

8. Try to have sex. 

We won’t understand why you don’t want to grind up on a motionless bag of fevered, sweaty flesh. We are driven by base desires even when we’re throwing up on ourselves.

9. Miss the toilet. 

We’re dying, maybe. We don’t have time to worry about whether or not everything gets in the toilet. Also, after we vomit, we will collapse on the floor of the bathroom until you walk in and find us.

10. Not care about getting you sick. 

You can’t evacuate the area, you need to stay here and hold us and take our temperature. Also, if we wind up getting you sick, we made plans that night.

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