1. Crap, do I need to clean? I really only have time to Swiffer Wet Jet the top layer of filth off my apartment. That’ll have to do.2. Do I have a condom? Does he have a condom? Do I need to run down to the bodega and purchase some Trojan Her Pleasures from the deli dude without looking him in the eye?

3. We just had a nice Italian meal and now I’ve had way too much starch for sex. That pasta was worth it, though. Can we just nap and do it in the morning?

4. He gets a crazy allergic rash from my cat and I forgot to change the sheets! Oh, crap.

5. I locked the cat in the bathroom and now we’re having sex — me and the boy, not me and the cat — but I can hear her pitiful meows. I… cannot have an orgasm this way.

6. Will he be too drunk to get it up? Then we’re gonna have to do the whole thing where I pretend it’s totally OK even though I really wanted to bang, and it’ll be awful.

7. How does my vagina smell? Should I have taken one of those grimy hooker baths? Like Charlize in Monster.

8. Can we avoid making the sheets messy? Because I’m not gonna feel like changing them afterwards.

9. It’ll take so long for him to take my bra off. Every time.

10. And my shoes off, and my jeans off. OK, the jeans are because they are more or less painted on, but the shoes should be easy!

11. Will the neighbors/my roommates hear? These walls are kinda awfully thin.

12. Is he gonna try to touch my butthole? And should I go for it? Is butt-play FOMO real?

13. I kind of have to pee but not enough to stop. Awkward.

14. He’ll want me to keep my dress on, but I can’t get it dirty.Gotta wear this Ann Taylor steez to the office on Monday.

15. I’m gonna take forever to come. I shouldn’t feel bad! But I do, kinda.

16. What if my muscles get sore during a blowjob? That’s the worst.

17. Or I get lockjaw. Right up there with “Contracting Lyme disease” and “Tara Reid winning an Oscar” on my list of recurring nightmares.

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