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Op-ed Editor July 18, 2017

Femke van Zeijl: ‘Oyibo’ is not a compliment

by Femke van Zeijl The opening commercials were running on the big screen but the lights were still on as we entered the cinema of Surulere’s Leisure Mall. About twenty…

March 30, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: The last one

by Femke van Zeijl To the readers of this column, first and foremost, I dedicate this piece. To the ones who granted me the privilege of shining a light on their…

March 20, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: Celebrating mediocrity

by Femke van Zeijl Nigeria is the opposite of a meritocracy: you do not earn by achieving. You get to be who and where you are by knowing the right…

March 15, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: The big question on everyone’s mind

by Femke van Zeijl Some of my single Nigerian girlfriends seem obsessed with matrimony. With every new boyfriend, with every date, the main question on their minds is ‘marriage material…

March 9, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: Playing the card of culture

by Femke van Zeijl 'My darling', she replies, sipping her Smirnoff Ice, making the ice cubes in her glass tinkle. 'Women don't drink beer. It's not our culture.' She was…

February 28, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: Underwhelming scamming talent

by Femke van Zeijl The biggest scam you [Nigerians] have managed to pull is leading the world to believe that you are such big scam artists. The phone rings. Who…

February 23, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: The Eagles and the beast

by Femke van Zeijl Good journalism should strike a balance... I do believe the news in the West about Nigeria tends to have very limited perspectives: if it is not…

February 7, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: Who will save us from ‘NEPA’s’ crazy bills?

by Femke van Zeijl ...he more or less admitted the amount I owed was based on the vivid imagination of a power company employee, since not a single person had…

January 30, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: My moinmoin with amala episode

Though I was not the only one having piping hot amala in the local Ebute Metta joint, I did not have to look up from my plate to know the…

January 22, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: Not a common cold

by Femke van Zeijl I long for the moment when I have finally toughened up and gotten used to pure water, malaria and eating fresh salads outdoors (another oyinbo no…

January 9, 2013

Femke becomes Funke: Oyinbo’s dictionary to Nigerian English (Part 2)

by Femke van Zeijl Amebos idle their time away doing nothing but gossiping maliciously about other people. Often of the female gender, amebos are most commonly found among clients in…

December 31, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: A Wazobia dinner table

by Femke van Zeijl Maybe it is the STARs that keep coming, or P-Square's music we all dance to, or my need to believe in a future for this country some…

December 12, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Voluntary curfew

by Femke van Zeijl My voluntary curfew makes me realise I respond the Nigerian way: by adjusting. Knowing my rage against the institutionalised lawlessness, impunity and inequality that provides the…

December 4, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Iya Funke was here

by Femke van Zeijl My landlady is beating the talking drum clasped under her left arm. When she sings her voice sounds half her age – the Yoruba lady is…

November 26, 2012

Femke van Zeijl: There was a Country: An outsider’s review

by Femke van Zeijl Most striking are the parts of There Was a Country where history meets Achebe's personal experience. The restraint with which he describes the death of poet-warrior…

November 16, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Oyinbo’s dictionary to Nigerian English

I am talking about the English Nigerians speak, sometimes hard to understand for foreigners who are not used to the particular Nigerian intonation, but simply beautiful with all its idiosyncrasies…

November 7, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: The right to call a place home

I did not know the word 'indigenes' - spelled this way I mean - before I came to Nigeria. But since then I have come to grasp its meaning, and…

October 24, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: How Nigeria has changed me

Pepper. Obviously. My taste buds have been adapting to spiciness ever since I first set foot in Yorubaland. Adapting as in: they have by now been spiced into oblivion. After…

October 18, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Floods do not discriminate

Yes. Leadership has failed. But pointing upwards is the laziest way of explaining what is wrong with Nigeria. I hated the piece I wrote last week. Don't get me wrong,…

October 10, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: #Aluu4 and the danger of fending for yourself

Often I have quoted the self-reliance and resilience of Nigerians as a positive trait. They fend for themselves. I called this attitude creativity and sold it as a strong suit.…

October 2, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Killing a chicken or how I became no longer a fishtarian

Most Dutch meat eaters (and not just them!) would become instant vegetarians, had they have to do the killing personally. I try not to be too much of a hypocrite.…

September 26, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Open letter to Nigerian law enforcement officers, big and small

Dear law enforcing officers of Nigeria, I know nobody likes you. That is a terrible thing to live with. I know you are underpaid and bullied by your seniors. But…

September 20, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: ‘That’s not a discount, that’s an insult’

I drive a hard bargain, not just for budget's sake but also because I feel it is my obligation towards other oyinbos to do so. If we do not get…

September 12, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: In mental overdrive

And then, I'll pick up that guest bed I ordered in Mushin. They said they would deliver, but all of a sudden the guy asked for an extra thousand naira…

September 4, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: My Lagos househunt – 11 lessons I’ve learnt

I've come to mistrust landlords who ask for only a year's rent. There is usually something very, very wrong with their property. 1. Not to count my chickens before they…

August 29, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Unsuited for light conversation

What does it mean when faceless violence turns into a party game but intense personal tragedy is a subject to be avoided? What does it do to a society to…

August 22, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: An oyinbo’s guide to mastering Lagos traffic

Do not try to grasp the system behind driving in Lagos. There is none. This has to be done. You may accuse me of blatant plagiarism (an interesting habit in this…

August 13, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: The expat’s universe

A local lawyer friend told me there are only two reasons expats come to Nigeria: love and money. 'You know there will be a war in this country', he states…

August 6, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Not Island material

I am not Island material. My allergy for hot air makes me unfit to live on VI. 'Madam, we will find you…

July 30, 2012

Femke becomes Funke: Behind a desk catching up on your sleep?

Expecting the worst has become a survival strategy to many Nigerians. If the worst is always expected, it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. The corpulent woman in the comfy chair…