…between many women’s choices of the trivial and the vital, mothers need to consult with fathers because, she doesn’t always know best.

I had a very interesting conversation with one of my buddies recently and the discuss centered around his once volatile relationship with his father. While growing up, he had hated his father as passionately as he had loved his mother. His mother bought them ‘goodies’ all the time. Whatever they needed- snacks, writing materials, money for movies and such, they got from her. On the other hand, their father was not as generous. If you asked for a pen, he’d ask you to get the finished one. If you asked him for twenty naira, he’d give you fifteen naira and there were those frequent times when  their father would make them walk around the whole market, without a dime in their pockets to price a particular item they needed. If you came back and told him it was twenty naira, he would still give you fifteen naira.

When mother came home, she was welcomed with open arms and without fail, she would have brought back some snacks for them but when father came home, he was usually in a foul mood and as such, they maintained very minimal contact with him.

Mother was a saint and father was the devil they, especially my buddy, swore he’d never be like. To make matters worse, their mother cried and complained along with them over their father’s stinginess which had obviously become cruelty.

Fast-forward to 2013 when I met my buddy, he was singing father’s praises when I met him. I couldn’t believe that the ‘devil’ (his father) I had even helped him criticize would have any grounds for justification, but there was…and plenty.

Now, my friend had a job and he was beginning to see things in a different light. First of all, what would make another human being work his butt off only to come and spend the money on you? Yes, it’s a responsibility because he and she, brought you into this world…we all argue. Back to my buddy’s father.

First of all, mother did not tell them that father provided the house rent, school fees, feeding fees, clothing fees, hospital fees and every other vital fees for a family of seven. (Maybe these alone are enough to make anyone grumpy). What was father’s job? He was a businessman who barely got by and mother was a teacher.

While mother could save up to be the good and loving parent, father was hewing hard and barely showing teeth. My buddy had a job, he was just fending for himself alone and it was already too much but, bless his heart, you could never cheat him on a  bargain. Thanks to all those long walks he took around the market looking for a bargain.

What were snacks, compared to the every necessity father was providing? A mere triviality, right? No?

I could see where my buddy was coming from but, I hastened to add that, while it  was really good to hear him sing father’s praises, he should understand that his father could have been loving too. The kids and his wife weren’t to be blamed for his hardships… he made them without consulting them. He still had a responsibility that went beyond the physical, to them.

Mothers are great and worthy of praises too. Snacks and hugs maybe trivial when looked at in this light but, they keep kids going. When it comes to that light, between many women’s choices of the trivial (short term deeds to satisfy kids) and the vital (long term deeds to prepare the kids for the future), mothers need to consult with fathers (and not collude with kids against him) because, she doesn’t always know best.

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Adaobi Okwy blogs at www.adaobiokwy.com and tweets from @adaobiokwy.

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.