by Folabi Williams

Because he knew I had other toasters, he’ll encourage me to ask them for money, like a pimp. That didn’t work, as I refused to do it! We

Don’t get the wrong impression of the how, when and why this piece was written. It all started with a friendly conversation. The subject is a 25 year old woman, who attends friends’ weddings almost every weekend and wonders when it will be her turn. Her situation reminds me of the movie, “27 Dresses”, doubt if she has that much as a result of these wedding attendance.

Anyway, back to the matter on hand, subject is available, eligible, ready, wanting and waiting. She is on every social media, well almost all, with a large follower-ship; Facebook, Twitter, BlackBerry, WhatsApp, etc. So we got talking and I must tell you from the conversation that she’s had a fair share of the good, bad and ugly, while still waiting for Prince Charming.

I couldn’t help but ask her permission to make public some of the experiences she shared with me during our conversation. The short stories of each individual she aptly referred to as potentials and toasters are real, yes, not fictional, names have however been changed for anonymity.

You are free to make comments; it will not only be helpful to her but others who might be in the same shoes. I believe she will be reading, wanting and needing your comments.

Read on:

Nnamdi was my first love but that Okoro was a good for nothing person as I was soon to discover. He was jobless and a broke-ass when I first met him. I can’t believe this dude bought a GLO sim-card and comfortably sends messages, dirty, sex based messages to me and afterward makes me feel like I was the cheat. We had love and he was faithful too, Yes! I thought he was to me, no lies, no cheating, that was why I showed him the messages. He will blame me for giving out my number, but my GLO line was my private line. So I kept wondering who was behind the vulgar messages all through this time I was with him. I later found out he was behind it all, one day I dialed the number, He picked the call and it was his voice.

He dropped the call, later he started apologizing, and that was the beginning of our problems. Then he started seeing this married woman, and went to Aba to see another single lady. Because he knew I had other toasters, he’ll encourage me to ask them for money, like a pimp. That didn’t work, as I refused to do it! We had other issues and broke up. Then the dirty messages continued, he stopped after some weeks, then apologized, wanted to make up which never happened. Then he called one day in August 2010 that he has a job with GLO and if I’ll marry him. I declined, already moved on when we broke up in 2009. Baring the abuse and unprintable things he said to me, will like to end my recollection of Nnamdi here.

Seye is tall and swears like an old woman, he lied just about everything including where he works. He could not even hide it on our first date. Later found out he works for an Orange Bank but in facilities department, not the banker he said he was. I confronted him, and he still insisted he is a banker. My friend helped to confirm. Well, Seye is still on the matter, still trying to impress. The question you are dying to ask is, okay he works in facility department so what’s wrong in that? Nothing, just that he shouldn’t have lied, I didn’t lie to him.

Olamide is cool but can barely speak well as he has issues pronouncing words. He is short just a little taller than me. He got a job with an organization whose name I can’t remember. What surprises me is that he closes from work anytime he likes. Yes! He goes to work any day he feels like too. Then I asked for his JD, and also wanted to know if he was a contract staff, he decided not to respond. Five days later he starts this chat. In his exact words “Now be truthful to yourself, do you feel anything for me? I really don’t like when people are not direct”. And I replied, “I have never been too shy or ashamed to admit my feelings for a guy, if I have feelings for you, you’ll be the first to know”. That was it and he said he will wait but I seem not to see him as my ideal man, something else, he makes exclamations at every sentence which pisses me off!

Doyin is tall and bald, feels he is doing me a favour by befriending me. I don’t like his confidence level. When he brags with how girls hover around him, it is as if I should be thanking God to have him. He invites me every time to his place for a visit, I wonder if I ever complained of boredom or idleness. Why can’t this guy just get the message that it doesn’t work that way. He keeps inviting me over to his place, I wonder if that is the basis for establish a relationship. His favorite line, “I had always wanted us closer but you said no, you might not want us closer but we can maintain status-quo, I don’t know why you declined from being the good friend you once were”, whatever that means!

And my response was and is still that people change! Guess by good friends he meant the communication style has changed. The things that brought us together were NYSC and job search. We share and shared nothing else in common.

Akinbowale or whatever he calls himself started as a Facebook friend and lucky him, he knew one of my course mates in school. I can’t seem to stand him as he annoys me in all ways. How can I forget this part, he tried impressing me by sending a copy of his letter of employment. This guy insults me with every opportunity and likes to apologize with the same dexterity with which I am insulted. I already blocked him on Facebook and deleted him thrice on BB just to show you how accommodating I have been of his tantrums. He wants to chat as early as 4am, like am there to mark daily attendance. That’s all about this one, he bores me jare.

Adebiyi suddenly wanted to be nice after we left University. He became forceful which I didn’t like. That is all about him, I stopped paying attention. Think I deleted him once on BB and added him back after an undertaken to be of better behavior. So he is on my contact and all he sends are BCs which by the way are always belated!

Subomi is my neighbor and my mum likes him. But he and his step brother took turns in asking me out, and then I knew something was up. Subomi is huge and dark. He has this funny way of passing his messages but I chose to play dumb most times. He calls my mum his mum. So he tells my mum, tell my step sister I miss her. He will come inside the sitting room pretending he came see my mum. I like his conversation not him. He isn’t straight forward, told him several times to expressly declare his intention and he would not.

Deji, the step brother approached me almost immediately he knew I didn’t give in to Subomi. I even felt it was a game between them. He later went straight with me. I see that one’s babe every time and I often remind him that his babe is fair and cute, so why the sudden diversion of mind and interest towards me? Then he tells me I am more educated than she is. Uhmmm, story!

I was bold enough to ask Subomi if he sent his step brother after me which he denied, he has since maintained his place in the friendship zone. Deji is still on the matter and still with his babe too.

Kofi thinks he is a miracle for the ladies. Became full of himself at one time and now he desires my attention back, but he nags about his job 24/7. He talks about his ex who is already engaged to another man. Unfortunately had no idea his ex is a new friend I recently made when I was invited to her birthday. He didn’t get an invite and was surprised. He says a lot of good things about her but she doesn’t have such good memories of him. One of reasons am mad at him is because he tried forcing sex on me – I told him I was having incessant abdominal pains and laboratory test showed I was fine. He said he could talk to his dad who is a specialist, while I was lying on his couch, he was suddenly all over me, I slapped him, I guess that passed the wrong message and didn’t stop him, rather he intensified his efforts. I told him I was going to scream and he answered, “No one will hear you, besides you walked into my room with your legs”.

Truly, no one would have heard as he had increased the music blaring from his home theatre, but thank God the front door bell rang, and it was his friend. He suddenly became himself, I was able to pretend that all was well as his friend entered the room, and I left a few minutes afterwards. Then he sent a text message apologizing.

I have heard Kofi talk about girls he had sex with, and he talks carelessly too. I don’t want to be on the list of his conquests.

These are/were the potentials which so far I couldn’t consider furthering any serious relationship with any of them.

In part two, it’s about the toasters who aren’t single!

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Folabi Williams is an unassuming, quiet, good listener. He can be sarcastically nasty sometimes, (Rude & Bold). He is a banker, an aspiring satirist and social commentator.

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.