by Cheta Nwanze

“Poor man wey tiff maggi omo dem go show im face for crime fighter. Rich man wey tiff money omo we no dey see dem face for crime fighter. Rich man go dey hala prayer, modupe, poor man godey shout, anwulam ee!” – African China in Mr President.

Back when the Brits were in charge around these ‘ere parts, the biggest crimes that they had to worry about were crimes of hunger. You see, they knew that the people they had conquered were not literate enough to engage in sophisticated behaviour, but that same people were hungry enough to steal a goat. The result was that the first set of laws that the Brits wrote for those new subjects, were meant to punish the more common crime. As time went on, more of the subjects acquired British education, and white collar crime began to emerge. However, being that there were not enough subjects with an education to run the country properly, the review of the laws which happened in 1946, 1951 and 1954 did not exactly bring down the hammer on white collar crime. As it happened, six short years after that last major judicial review, the subjects became (in name at least), the masters. Since then, well, we haven’t quite had a proper review of our crimes and punishments. This is the reason why only a few weeks after the irony of someone being sentenced to hang by the neck until dead for stealing a tin of milk on the same day as someone else walking away virtually scot-free for stealing the princely sum of N23 billions, we have yet another irony. Former policeman, Kelvin Ighodalo, will spend the next 45 years pondering the benefits of stealing a governor’s phone.

The advice for people like the unfortunate Ighodalo is quite clear. We still live in colonial times, so the punishment for large scale, white collar theft is relatively benign. Unless of course, you step on the toes of the boss, then, like Broda Bode, you will spend a wee bit of time contemplating how to get a Pardon. Be that as it may, we might be watching the early stages of the preparation of Don Amaechi’s cell. Yesterday, the people who are actually in charge in Rivers flexed their muscles a little and swept away the entire state legislature. Yes, such is the power that they wield that in the same swoop they also let Don Amaechi know that he has until tomorrow morning to explain to us, who exactly owns that iron bird that he’s been cruising around in.

Meanwhile, in other news, the iron fish that blighted the Marina skyline in Lagos has finally sailed away, five years and N4.5 billions later. Destination, unknown. Amount earned for the Lagos state government? ZERO!!!

Bits and bobs

Five foreigners were seized by “militants” somewhere off Bayelsa yesterday. Expect the militants to ask for their own custom-made amnesty programme in about a year.

Mrs Abubakar has no intention of continuing to suffer in silence. Sex is not meant to occur once in 3 years.

Common sense prevails in Lagos I hope. To ease traffic congestion, the state’s Wig has asked his colleagues to get rid of the frivolous challenge to the new toll bridge. Lesson to Nigerians, be vigilant from the start of the project.

The NCC has kinda confirmed rumours that it is an anti-consumer body by asking MTN to raise tariffs.

It would appear that the Ministry of Power has not heard that 20k NEPA staff will no longer have the rights to set up illegal connections.

Meanwhile, residents of Ikotun, over the weekend, paid their electricity bills at the local NEPA desk with cutlasses and sticks.

*For those of you who are that pedantic YNaija’s Politico explains the trouble between Amaechi and Wike.

Right of Reply

Jewju Brown wrote,

Regards the Chris’ reply and your response,he mentioned blacks in the USA basketball and athletics teams. It just is… You don’t find blacks in their swim or ice hockey teams do you?
So maybe so people or areas are better at some things than others.

Chxta responds,

Lia Neal, Akim Aliu, Jarome Iginla and Kyle Okposo. 

While Lia Neal, is an African-American who was on the US Olympic swimming team in London, the other three are Nigerians who actually play in the NHL. What is common to all four? They all had relatively privileged upbringing. Which is kinda required to compete in both sports. Nature versus nurture?

Ola Moses wrote,

Chris’s comments are exactly why the state of mind of Nigerians is still a mess as those comments are about sports there is no indication that we as a people are not still plagued by that level ignorance.  We all remember the first open heart surgery at John Hopkins, by a black man with no degree and or formal training, lucky for generations to come he did not believe he was predisposed by any character flaw, race points of origin. This in fact leads me to the point of asking all and every single Nigerian writer to start with the end in mind and show an attitude to togetherness by referring to us all in a collective none regional non tribal way, of the politicians do not get it surely you media boys and girls do…… Right?

Chxta responds, 

Right.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.