Opinion: That lonely world of our aged

by Muyiwa Adetiba

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Old age needs not be an albatross. It should actually be something to look forward to. After all, we all plan on growing old with grace. But as it is, all the money in Central Bank won’t help us when the children fly the nest, friends and associates start dropping off, and we are reduced to those occasional visits we are currently giving our parents.

I am racked with guilt when I have not visited my aged mother for a while. I am racked with guilt when I have visited and I am on my way back to base. I just can’t seem to do enough to make her remaining years more comfortable.

I am not talking about material comfort. At that age, they need very little— a lesson for all of us who are still busy acquiring the world. Most of them have given up on life-long pleasures;either because they realise the mind doesn’t need them or the body can’t take them.

They are restricted in the main, to the bedroom, the living room, an occasional foray into the kitchen for those fortunate enough to still be able to do that, and the church. Even new things — clothes, shoes and gadgets are left largely alone.

So like I said, it’s not about material comfort — that would be easier to provide. Its about those things, many of which I have little or no control over.

At over 90, I have watched my once energetic mother slow down noticeably. I have watched that admirable gait that made her a sprinter in her younger years, become a slow shuffle. I have watched the gradual dimming of the eyes and thickening of the ear drums. I have watched the courage with which she tries to hide the pains that afflict her body —muscle, bone and joints.

I have watched her as she bravely gets into the kitchen to prepare my favourite meals with stiffened fingers. I have watched as she stoically tries to accept the death of another age grade, or more recently, those who used to call her ‘mama’.

All too soon, it’s time to go and I have watched as she tries to mask her disappointment, her yearning for a longer stay. And the guilt follows me all the way to Lagos, eating me up even as the car eats up the asphalt. Until another visit.

In between, I am left to imagine the things she would have wanted to tell me but for fear of upsetting me. Or the things I would have wanted to ask her but couldn’t because they might seem morbid. I think of the long nights when she can’t find sleep or the mornings when she is weak, tired and dispirited and needs either the presence of loved ones or professionals to give her the ‘tonic’ to go through yet another day.

Taking her out of her comfort zone to live with me is out of the question. That would be taking her out of an environment that, like her used and comfortable clothes, she is accustomed to; the church she has attended for years and years and has become a place of refuge, the people who drop by after church, the neighbours who have become family etc.

Also taking her out of a rustic environment where goats and hens roam about the compound to the eighth floor of a modern apartment will be like putting her in a gilded cage. And talking about gadgets, I wonder why she has never sent a text to me. Surely fingers that can still hold a pen to write can still type? Another reason to support why taking her from her home will be like cutting off her oxygen supply. How many people out there share my dilemma?

What do the aged want? Only the aged can truly tell. But one would imagine that first on their priority list would be comfort—to be in a comfortable environment where they can be cared for.

They also would want to be nearer their Creator. So access to the Minister of souls would be very welcome. Another I guess, would be security —not to have to worry about bills — rent, electricity, food etc.

They would want the availability of medical facilities and the knowledge that professionals are nearby to attend to their increasing complaints as organs begin to malfunction, aches and pains become more common, and sleep becomes a rare commodity. I would also imagine they would want companionship —age grade companionship and friendship. People over 80 should be granted the indulgence to live in their past, to bask in past glories and relive emotional memories.

They might not want the intrusion that face book and face time have become. They might prefer simple letter writing to texting or punching the computer. They might prefer a book they can see to an e-book. And who would know all these better than people who know where they are coming from, who can share a pleasant journey in time with them?

I believe setting up modern hostels (for want of a better word) all over the country for the aged as a private or government initiative is an imperative today. The old support system we used to have for our dear old ones is dying. Many of our old people are isolated and lonely. The days are long and unshared memories are longer too.

A modern support system that recognises the needs and desires of the aged must be quickly put in place. Think of the ambiance. Think of professional help at the touch of a button. Think of neighbours who feel what you feel and play games like ludo, ayo and draft with you.

Old age needs not be an albatross. It should actually be something to look forward to. After all, we all plan on growing old with grace. But as it is, all the money in Central Bank won’t help us when the children fly the nest, friends and associates start dropping off, and we are reduced to those occasional visits we are currently giving our parents.

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Read this article in the Vanguard Newspapers

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.

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