by Cheta Nwanze

But then again, another form of employment these days is to take to the creeks. You see, when you do that, a sham amnesty programme will be organised for you, and then you will be feted as royalty.

The ancient Romans were a very interesting people. They knew just how to make peace, which is one of the reasons why the Pax Romana held firm for well over two centuries, the greatest stretch of relative peace in human history. The very first thing that the Romans would set about doing after conquering you, was to employ some of your boys (those that they had not killed anyway) to join in the construction of roads. You see, those ancient masters of engineering had exact standards for their roads. Each via publicae was exactly 23 feet in width, enough to convey four horse drawn carts side by side (two going in either direction), which aided commerce a great deal. Truth is that until the emergence of the American Empire, no other empire has been as rich as Rome in relative terms. Another thing about Roman roads was that in times of war, the roads were good enough to mobilise the army quickly to meet the threat. Another advantage of the perpetual road construction in the Roman Empire was that it provided employment for the teeming youth who would otherwise have joined the MENDs or Boko Harams of their day. All in all, by the time the Roman Empire finally reached its inevitable decline, it had over 400,000 km of paved roads. Which is slightly more than modern day Nigeria’s 28,980 km of potholed roads.

It is thus an awesome wonder that despite this obvious means of providing employment for our millions of devil’s workshops, some people would rather spend the time coming up with more schemes to make money off of the unemployed. Now, consider that depending on who you listen to, we have somewhere between 16 and 67 millions unemployed in Nigeria, then do the maths if each unemployed person is forced to cough up N400,000 in order to get into our Federal Civil Service. Then consider the other implication: if I pay a hefty sum to get a job (starting salary circa N42,000 per month), what kind of damage will I wreak on the system in order to recover my initial investment?

But then again, another form of employment these days is to take to the creeks. You see, when you do that, a sham amnesty programme will be organised for you, and then you will be feted as royalty. What is the point of borrowing 400k when you can spend 60k to buy a Kalashnikov, stomp up another 10k to get two magazines, then start on the short road to employment by either kidnapping someone, or making demands in front of a government installation? Why, our rather poorly trained, and under-funded, and under-motivated policemen would not resist, seeing as their wives would be kicked out of those slums that house them anyway. Anyways, back to the theme. So, Tamuno buys the Kalashnikov, and shoots his way to a position where he would begin to get government contracts. Is that not a sweet deal? Definitely better than getting in line and waiting for 3.5 million agricultural sector jobs which at the moment still exist solely on paper in a nation that lacks the roads to transport the produce.

By the way, the FG has briefly brought its head out of the sand and admitted that the rate of poverty in Nigeria is not reducing.

Another motivation for going Tamuno’s way is that after working for 35 years, when your back is bent and you just want to sit down in the sun and play with your grand children (hi Pa Fix It), you will find that at some point during the 35 year working span, some sharp guy has made away with the pension which was ostensibly kept aside for those twilight years. No wonder certain geriatrics would rather apply for two jobs at the same time in 2013, despite the fact that when they were born, Adolf Hitler was not yet Der Furher in Germany.

The final motivation for going Tamuno’s way is this: despite all that is said and done, the people who have done what somehow find time and again that they are above reproach. As a matter of fact, they are celebrated and feted in our society, so much so, they can afford to ignore a summons by the highest law making body in the land. “Aside SURE-P chairman, Dr Christopher Kolade, all other invitees did not inform me or the committee of reasons why they could not appear at the meeting. This is intentional disrespect for parliament and its proceedings,” wept House etibo Dakuku Peterside on discovering his impotence. As a further demonstration of that impotence, himself and his committee postponed the hearing until a date that would be convenient for the people with the actual power.

Bits and bobs

In Abeokuta, Wasiu, 37, went visiting. Seeing that his hosts offered no kola, he pounced on their 14-year-old daughter.

Channels TV is doing a good job on chasing up the Police College story. An embarrassed police minister has promised that the place will be looked at. May I suggest that they start from the hole in the fence directly opposite the Unity Junction where recruits scale on Friday nights.

In yet another example of the rich getting away with it, former Intercontinental Bank suit, Erastus Akingbola’s trial, three years old, will have to start afresh as a new Judge has been assigned to it.

Akwa Ibom state’s head honcho has told us not to wish our leaders evil. He said this from the bedside of this Enugu state counterpart who fell victim to evil wishes for the last 135 days.

Following a few cavity searches, the toothless Senate is wondering why Nigerians abroad are always harassed. I guess I have to go out on a limb and ask some of you readers to subscribe them to this newsletter. That way they will know why.

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Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.