by Stanley Azuakola

Nigeria’s senate may soon pass a contentious bill which would make it illegal for school children from poor homes to aspire to be governors. Senators argued that the radical bill has become necessary following an English composition written by a Primary 4 pupil in Diobu Community Grammar School, Port Harcourt, titled “Why I want to be a governor in future.” Senate president, David Mark, said that just as he championed the movement against telephones for the poor in the past, the Senate under his leadership would lead the war against ambitions by the poor in the present. Below is an excerpt of the smart lad’s composition which caused the senate’s furore.

1. I want to be a governor so that I can punch like Gov. Okorocha of Imo who punched someone because of ordinary seat. In my time, I would slap Deji and Agatha, who are always forming like ‘over sabi’ scholars in class. As governor, I would flog and whip like Gov. Wammako of Sokoto, who whipped a PHCN staff for withholding light in his village. I will not mention the name of the persons I want to whip the most in this composition, but let’s just say I will repay all those whipping me today.
2. I intend to marry a judge in future. I will nominate her as chief judge like Gov. Nyako of Adamawa. Hopefully, they’ll move her to Appeal Court while she’s still first lady and later Supreme Court just like the wife of my ex-governor Peter Odili. By the grace of the god of Odili, I might get perpetual immunity from arrest or prosecution when I leave office just like he did.
3. I will ban public buses just like Gov. Fashola of Lagos banned okada. I’m always embarrassed by how Mummy laps me and my two brothers, three of us at once inside public buses. Everyone would just be staring at us in the bus like Christmas goat. For that reason, buses must go. Don’t worry; I will buy private jet like Gov. Amaechi of Rivers. Accident is not my portion because I will not be flying myself.

Top 5 n(u)ews from last week

Here’s a list of the five most important n(u)ews items reported in Nigeria last week.

1. Former Lagos governor, Bola Tinubu, was seen shopping for a new tuxedo to be worn during President Obama’s inauguration ball. He swore that he would be attending the event as a special guest of the US president. Fact checkers and liar detectors are presently trying to confirm if Tinubu is telling the truth this time, considering that he lied about being invited specially for Obama’s Democratic Party convention two months ago.
2. A Boko Haram regional office is to be opened in the Nigerian senate. So far, one senator is in court over allegations of being a sponsor of the sect; a leader of the sect was arrested in the home of another senator; while an ex-senator is being accused by another senator as being a financier of the sect. In light of this, reports say Boko Haram is “seriously considering opening its Abuja regional office at the Senate.”
3. Former minister Femi Fani-Kayode, who last week went into a very offensive and tribalistic rant in which he called ex-president Yaradua a “bastard,” has denied that he was responsible. He said his brain was hacked by unknown hackers with ethnic bugs and so he cannot be held responsible for his actions. Most Nigerians agreed with him that he was not “responsible,” saying they had known for a long time what an irresponsible man he was.
4. Former member of the House of Representatives, Dino Melaye, threatened to announce his return to boxing by dealing with Finance minister, Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala. He said although his fight partner, former speaker Dimeji Bankole has withered from the national scene, he had not lost his skills. Melaye, who accused Okonjo-Iweala of corruption, said she had no right to accuse him of core rupture in return. He said that telling him directly that like she did that he had no core was a “truth too hard for him to bear.”
5. A victory cocktail was held at the basement of the Ministry of Petroleum to celebrate the controversy which trailed the submission of the report by the Nuhu Ribadu led committee that probed the petroleum sector. Presidential spokesman, Doyin Okupe, who gave the toast at the event thanked God that the whole script went as planned. Okupe hailed Steve Oronsaye, the vice chairman of the committee who openly disagreed with Nuhu Ribadu, saying that Oronsaye was up there with the likes of Aki and Pawpaw as one of the best actors this nation has to offer.

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