by Lauren Zander

Don’t name-call or compare your partner with people you know he hates. Try not to interrupt, bring up ancient mistakes, or be cruel. 

Say you’re arguing with your significant other. Toss aside the raised emotions and the nitty-gritty of the disagreement. Concentrate on the actual flow of the discussion. Are you trying to resolve the situation—or do you just want to win?

If you always have an “I’m right” attitude during relationship fights, your arguments aren’t serving their purpose. A constructive dustup should leave you both feeling like you understand each other better—not that one of you is the victor. The key is to stop competing and start communicating. Use these four tips to learn how to butt heads in a way that brings you closer.

1. Ask yourself what you’d really be winning.
Arguing erodes relationships. Couples who squabble frequently are often less happy than those who don’t bicker as much. So is it really worth racking up another fight to have your guy admit he made a wrong turn three stoplights ago? Think about what you’re really irked by—maybe the stoplight skirmish is about how you don’t feel as if you have a voice in decisions—and whether there’s another, less heated conversation you should be having.

2. Stop seeing him as a competitor.
Mates are called partners for a reason: You’re supposed to work with them! Many of us forget that and just want to control the relationship. But striving to always be right means wanting him to always be wrong—and that’s not a desire motivated by love or affection.

3. Fight clean.
When you do quarrel, these guidelines will help ensure the claws stay sheathed: Don’t name-call or compare your partner with people you know he hates. Try not to interrupt, bring up ancient mistakes, or be cruel. Ask him to do the same, and agree that during a fight, you’ll each be able to explain your side while the other person really listens (and doesn’t just wait for their turn to make their point). This will help you go from thinking I won at the end of a fight to I get it.

4. And finally, move on.
It’s really hard not to rehash old fights (we love to keep score), but once a disagreement is over, it should really be over. Bringing it up again should make you feel as if you’re eating leftovers from a dinner that wasn’t very good in the first place. The nice thing is, the more you communicate and empathize with each other, the less likely you are to revive old battles. Then everyone wins!

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Read this article in Women’s Health

 

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