Roselyn Kangara

I have never been to Nigeria but I have a lot of Nigerian pals here. I find them fascinating, bold, confident, charismatic, aggressive and they know their way down south if you know what I mean. These brothers get more action from our East African sisters than any of our own brothers; Kenyans especially as Ugandans & Tanzanians get a sizable amount of kandahar (Ugandan slang for lady business). Spending time with these men has highlighted reasons why Naija guys get laid & Kenyan men do not. Here are the first four reasons why Kenyan men are getting outplayed.

The first explanation derives from a Nigerian man’s concept of a woman. Kenyan men see women as a ready-made microwave sex mix (pop her in the microwave for 5 minutes and she is ready for sex). But Nigerian men see the opposite, a divine being, deserving the best things in life and befitting a royal treatment.

A Kenyan guy will take a chick out on a date and expect an instant gratification tantamount to the cash he has spent, but a Nigerian man’s aim is for the lady to thoroughly enjoy the night with no expectation but that she feels special. Where a Kenyan boy is busy calculating the cost vs pudding ratio, the Naija broda is calculating the cost = happiness ratio and spoiling this young lady well well.

The Kenyan guy will focus on the hymen at the beginning of the tunnel during the date, the Naija man will only hope to see the smile on his companions face. The guy will take her to the best restaurant, order the best meal, best champagne, focus on her conversations (most Kenyan men think a date is an interview with Oprah and spend the whole night talking about themselves) and expect nothing but the joy of knowing she is happy. After a great evening, he will drop her home (sober) and beg to see her again.

On the contrast, the Kenyan man has done his best to get his date high and uses the old “let me make sure I tuck you into bed” excuse to get into her pants. The Naija guy will give her a soft hug then walk away, heading back to his car; it is usually at this point that the chick goes all weak, breaks her defences and asks “aren’t you coming in” and gives the broda all that she’s got.

The Kenyan guy, on the other hand, wakes up next to a hangovered chick who curses herself for allowing him to sneak into her kandahar and throws him out, never to return. Poor bastard! The Naija bloke gets a 6 month visa + first class tickets to kandahar but the Kenyan gets deported after the first day.

Different Game Play.
Men are hunters; it is just the game that differs. Kenyan men hunt for easy game, devour and get back to the hunt. This is tantamount to buying a fake Chinese t-shirt. You know that after 3 washes it will fade, but as it is cheaper than an authentic one, you still go ahead and purchase it. After 3 washes it fades and you go back to buy the self-same useless t-shirt that will fade after 3 washes.

A Nigerian man will buy the authentic t-shirt that will handle 50 washes, making it economical vis-a-vis the Chinese replica.

Good women, quality women don’t come cheap (I don’t mean purchasing price but maintenance cost) and Naija men understand this and they are prepared to do whatever it takes to meet the pecuniary prerequisites of the merchandise. A  Kenyan man would run away from such a lady, labelling her as high maintenance but a Nigerian man will perceive her as a diamond requiring certain necessities to stay shinning and he will provide them because he knows if his diamond shines, he shines.

Kenyan men are known as players because they have one chick here, another there and the other in the waiting to be here or there. They do their best to juggle all three (or more) at the same time but get busted and end up on the kandahar restricted entry list.

Your face is emailed to all kandahars in the country, with the warning “Do not allow passage” under your picture, destroying any chance of getting further action thanks to the UKS (United Kandahar Sisterhood). A Nigerian, on the other hand, will focus on one mission at a time. “He go chop am well well, then move to the next target, avoiding the wrath of the UKS and leaving a trail of satisfaction, respect and a return anytime invitation to kandahar.

You see, just because you don’t intend to settle with the lady it doesn’t mean you disrespect her. Give her the attention she deserves, the respect she deserves, the affection she deserves and when the fun expires give her the send-off she deserves. Chopping another when you are with her is just not the Nigerian way.

Impressions Matter Many people perceive my Naija pals as business executives (they drive luxury cars & wear very expensive designer clothes) but they are not. Often women come up and ask me what profession my pals are in and being the ‘ask all & tell none’ person that I am I simply ricochet the question and ask them “which profession do you think they
are in?”

This is where it gets funny, I get all types of up market job titles from bankers, to musicians, to lawyers; if only they knew. So I smile and go “yes, you are right” and they play along. Is that wrong? No! They never said they were bankers, lawyers or musicians they created the impression based on their self-perception (you don’t have to be a banker to be proud of your being; you can be a hawker but carry yourself with the pride of a banker). They never consciously duped anyone into thinking they are not who they are. However, this is a mistake a lot of Kenyan men make, they verbally lie about who they really are.

I was once at Hilton in Nairobi and sat at the bar as I waited for a Kenyan pal I wanted to do business with. A few tables away were a couple chatting away and having a great time. The man was having a beer and the lady had a glass of red wine in her hand and they were having a great time. The man was busy promulgating his business deals to this lady and she was mightily impressed. He went on and on about how much money he makes, the cars he owns and his big house, I too was impressed.

Then my friend (a prominent but very modest Kenyan business man) walks in and we exchange our pleasantries then he calls his driver- the guy with the big money, the cars and the massive house- to take us to another venue. You should have seen the lady’s face!

Creating a false perception of who you are will always land you into trouble for the day the truth is out, the UKS will send out a memo and you are back to square one. Nigerian men don’t lie, verbally, about their disposition but leave it to the perception of the observer to place them into a stereotype that they wish, and they in turn accommodate the selected slot. I mean, who wouldn’t? If your thinking am a lawyer will get me laid then hey, your honour I rest my case.

If my dressing leads you to think I’m a banker and am going to get laid because of it then hey, let me handle your assets baby. So long as I never said am a lawyer or a banker am blameless; you assumed I was and gave me some under this assumption. I have learned a great deal from my Naija pals I tell you.