by Jide Taiwo

It certainly feels like male-bashing season. Every other day there’s a new blog post, or article, or snide tweet admonishing women not to date this type of guy or why that type of guy is wrong for them. The way these women carry on, one would think all men were either a cold or calculating sociopath who only wants to jump into bed with every woman; or beer guzzling, unambitious zombies, devoted only to watching football.

But you see, that is not the case. Women happen to have more baggage than men (pun intended) and men have the gift of spotting baggage-carriers from afar off, as well as the skill to avoid them.

Well, most men… If you’re one of the hapless souls who do not, here are the 8 types of women that no young Nigerian man should date. At all.

1. The Barbie. The only thing Barbie has, is her pretty face. Finish. She’s the type of woman that doesn’t know much about anything. Hell, she doesn’t care much about anything! As long as her pretty face is intact, the world can burn for all she cares.

2. The Drama Queen. Avoid this person like a plague, even as a friend. She has no qualms about creating a scene over a perceived sin. She would bawl her eyes out loudly in public if she feels you don’t love her; or love her enough. She cries, she’s passionate and yes, she looooves the attention.

3. The Possessive/Obsessive Clinger. Similar to Miss DQ above, but she doesn’t have the need to cause drama; she has a need for YOU. At all times. She calls thrice an hour. Her first question always is ‘Where are you?’ If you don’t pick up because you’re getting chewed up by your boss, expect the multi-page accusatory text messages to start flooding in. She gets upset when you have the barest interaction with another woman. She wants to be the only presence in your life. Before she goes the way of Cameron Diaz’s character in ‘Vanilla Sky’, quickly give her the boot.

4. The Wife. She is not interested in dating. She doesn’t want a boyfriend: she wants a husband. She wants to marry. Now! One date and she’s ready to meet your parents. Two weeks on and she has chosen the names of the children you will have together. Nobody said women were logical creatures but then, life – as well as love- is in stages. I’m not sure I like you yet and you’re already choosing aso ebi… slow down madam.

5. The Party Animal. There’s nothing wrong with letting your hair down and having fun occasionally. When it now becomes a way of life, nne, we have a problem. Sometimes one needs to chill and enjoy the other person’s company. Not this lady. She knows all the happening places in Lagos. And Abuja. And London. Her friends are going. And she must be there too. The party animal will be bored with you in no time.

6. The Cheat. Seriously, do I need to explain this? There is no way in the world to have a meaningful relationship with someone who’s cheating on her boyfriend with you. Even if she gets out of that relationship and starts a new one with you, you know that she has no qualms about infidelity. She’s going to cheat on you too. Period.

7. Nairabody. “I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger, but she aint messing with no broke n…” This is the type of woman who craves the finer things in life and expects a man to provide them. She’s with you only for the money. She might actually ‘like’ you, but if you can’t buy her things and generally assume responsibility as her personal cash dispenser, forget it; you can’t get five minutes of her time. She’s a pro at using sex as a tool: you get it when you pay. The moment she finds a more affluent man (that is if she doesn’t have a bunch of you suckers around her pinky already), she’s going to kick your broke behind to the curb. Expecting a steady stable relationship from Nairabody is futile. There are better ways to waste time and money.

8. Your neighbour’s teenage daughter. Forget how she looks in a tank top. There’s a law against that type of thing.