by Tope Tedela

”There I still was pondering many thoughts, hearing voices raging in my mind about what to fill this blank page with.”

I used to think I was a writer. I used to think I had a voice. I’ve always thought that I had something to say. However, as I stare at this blank page, a million and one thoughts hit me about where to begin. I’m not surprised though, because confusion has always been my ally. We have frequently done everything together; that was when and if anything was agreed upon to be done.

I remember growing up with everyone around me having a sense of direction, while I didn’t or so it seemed. This used to really freak me out. How could everyone around me be so purposeful yet, all I could do was watch movies, talk about them, read books and get lost in that imaginary world? All I wanted was a concrete ambition, not that lazy man’s fantasy.

I remember how in the midst of the confusion I decided, consciously or unconsciously, not to just stay aloof and do nothing. So, I engaged in a wide range of activities. I wrote articles for my church magazine, acted in plays, joined the choir and taught at a Tutorial Centre. I even worked as a PA to a family friend. I just kept moving.

As I sat mulling my life’s details and where I was, my mind wandered to my first weekend in boarding school and how I got the nickname ‘Tedinla’ (Don’t bother about what it means. If you really want to know ask your Yoruba friend). It’s funny how small things make the greatest impact because that experience gave me a tough skin but anyway, I digress.

There I was still staring at the blank paper wondering if I should write about my time as the family’s black sheep, a time when my parents wondered if having me was a mistake. It seemed I was always doing something to hurt them, from primary school straight through secondary school. I blame the latter on the fact that I detested boarding school. Could that just be another lame or lazy excuse? There I still was pondering many thoughts, hearing voices raging in my mind about what to fill this blank page with.

My mind wandered again and I thought about how I made it this far. Could it have been God’s intervention or just plain coincidence? Was it my attitude, my family background, my educational background or a simple case of being in the right place at the right time? I guess it’s a little bit of everything. As I try to gather my scattered thoughts, I think about what success truly means. Is it when I have so much cash in the bank that my great-grandchildren don’t have to worry about money? Is it when I’ve done something worthy of emulation? The questions kept coming but they did nothing to help me fill the blank paper in front of me.

I began to think of my impending deadline, when suddenly, I was jarred back to life by electricity being seized. Sigh, “NEPA” was at it again and the country was going through fuel scarcity, one of our yearly national holidays. This made me think of the malaise my country is in and I felt helpless and powerless. Yet voices of hope permeate every corner of our troubled nation. The musicians and artistes, of which I’m one, create these worlds where everything is almost perfect, and maybe the aspiration of my people to these things is what makes them sane.

I look down at the paper and see that my million and one thoughts have filled it afterall. I only hope that they have made some sense. I am Tope Tedela, here to make impact, here to leave my mark on the sands of time.

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Tope Tedela is a Nigerian actor . He tweets from @topetedela

30 Days, 30 Voices series is an opportunity for young Nigerians from across the world to share their stories and experiences – creating a meeting point where our common humanity is explored.

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija