by Anna Breslaw

We’ve all seen that old lady folding shopping cart full of empty plastic bags down the street while humming “Down By The Boardwalk.” Or that one who got five special-needs cats and named them after the British Royal Family. How many shits do you think they give about what we think? If you said 0.00 shits, you are right.

1. Be in bed most nights by 11:30. Maybe when you were 19 you could do more than one weekly Nick and Norah-style All-Nighter Full of Living, Loving and Laughing, but if I stay up past midnight more than three nights in a row I am terrifying. Small children and animals cannot look me in the eye.
2. Rock the oversized-sweater-and-glasses combo. Don’t pretend Opening Ceremony didn’t cop Grandma Style years ago. Just look at street style snaps of Alexa Chung, Chloë Sevigny or the Olsens — their steez is identical to my Great Aunt Rita’s. (RIP.)

 3. Activia. Oh my God. Your life is but a pallid shadow before you incorporate Jamie Lee Curtis Pooping Yogurt into your daily routine. I discovered this by accident when I unintentionally scarfed my mom’s. HATERS TO THE LEFT.

 4. Pay your bills on time. Having been raised in the “I Forget How To Do Long Division But Still Totally Know Every Word Of The RENT Soundtrack” Era, many of us think that squatting is this really fun boho thing where you and your attractive multi-ethnic friends sing pop-inspired showtunes about blowjobs and Immanuel Kant. Generally speaking, this is not the case. So, yes, pay this year’s rent, next year’s rent, rent rent rent rent, et cetera.

5. Say yes to comfortable footwear. You know how we look at girls who are a few years younger, tottering home from some Da Club or another on 7” stiletto heels? That is how All Grandmas look at everyone under 70. Easy Spirits 4 lyfe. Also, ugly shoes are in.

6. Don’t be so technology obsessed. Obviously, you are not going to be quite as clueless as the texts from Grandma, e.g. “happybirthdayiloveu!sorrydontknowhowtomakespaces:((( But Grandma uses the space in her brain that you use for Twitter for other, more old-fashioned delights, like taking a walk and enjoying the actual tweeting of birds.

7. Old lady lipstick > lip gloss. For reals. There’s nothing like an old-school lip. I like YSL in Le Orange because it’s the precise shade my grandma used to wear.

8. Educate yourself on the endurance of the human spirit with daytime crime shows and court TV. You have not lived until you have seen Judge Judy mete out the Law of Sassy to some guy suing his neighbor for letting her goldendoodle repeatedly shit in his gardenias. Or when you can start predicting who reallymurdered that poor co-ed party girl on Law & Order: SVU, even though Stabler thinks it’s that quiet registered sex offender who works in the bookstore. (It was the rich guy who was paying her tuition.) Related: Consider The Golden Girls an official guide on how to live.
9. F*ck trendy food. Eat what you like. Maybe all the Youngs are having a quinoa-flavored green juice moment, or whatever, but the Olds have been consistent with their dietary choices since Olds were on the planet: Meat loaf, mashed potatoes, beets from a can, prune juice, and so on. Throw shade at prune juice if you will, but it will not faze the old ladies who sip on it like it’s Hennessy over ice.

10. Let your freak flag fly. We’ve all seen that old lady folding shopping cart full of empty plastic bags down the street while humming “Down By The Boardwalk.” Or that one who got five special-needs cats and named them after the British Royal Family. How many shits do you think they give about what we think? If you said 0.00 shits, you are right.

Likewise, don’t be afraid to speak your mind.

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Read more in Cosmopolitan

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.