by Nomalanga Mhlauli-Moses

Let him see you without all the hair and make-up work, so he can see and accept the real you. You may feel a little insecure but once you see that its safe to be yourself, he will feel safe too.

If you  complain that your husband or partner does not trust you, he may have good reason not to. Of course there are men who are just insecure, suspicious and jealous and do not have the ability to trust anyone. In the case of the man who is unable to trust, you may be able to change your behavior to make him more comfortable, but he also has to take the steps that are needed to overcome his trust “issues”.

The following are the reasons that may be standing in the way of a loving and trusting relationship with your “honey”:

You try to control everything
If you take over everything, you never give your man the opportunity to “do his thing”. This sends him a silent message that you have no faith in him and you don’t trust him. Why should he trust you if you don’t trust him? Trust is learned and earned and it is a two way street. To build trust with your man, start with small things like letting him pick the restaurant when you go out to eat or letting him pick the movie on date night.

 You’re not vulnerable
No one can be a “superstar” at everything and when you allow your man to see where you fall short, you are opening the door to a more intimate and trusting relationship. Let him see you without all the hair and make-up work, so he can see and accept the real you. You may feel a little insecure but once you see that its safe to be yourself, he will feel safe too.

 You don’t cry on his shoulder
You don’t have to be a weepy mess all the time and literally cry on your man’s shoulder but you can confide in him when you have something troubling on your mind. When you confide in him, he feels more comfortable confiding in you as well.

You’re judgmental
Being judgement and critical of your partner is one of the quickest ways to kill the trust in a relationship because it makes your partner feel unsafe. People make mistakes and if they don’t feel like they can still be loved and accepted, they are less likely to trust. If your man makes a mistake and tells you about it, judging and criticizing him means that next time he won’t trust you enough to tell you what happened. The same goes for feelings; if he tells you how he feels about something and you dismiss his feelings, he will not tell you how he feels next time.

You don’t keep your word
If you say you’re going to do something, do it-period. Once you start saying you’re going to do something and then don’t follow through, you’re showing your partner that you can not be trusted. Even with seemingly small things like time; when you agree to be somewhere at a specific time, don’t be late.

 You’re two faced
If you act one way in front of him and then another way in front of your parents, he may start wondering about you. If you can hide who you are from other people, who’s to say you’re not hiding things from him as well? The same goes for telling lies. If he hears you being dishonest with others, he can wonder if you are dishonest with him as well.

You’re not honest all the time
Tell your man the truth. Even small lies add up over time. It is better to just tell the truth rather than risk eroding the trust in your relationship.

You’re secretive
If you’re a secretive person, it can be hard for your man to trust you, especially if he’s been betrayed by you or someone else before. Be as open as you can about who you’re talking to, emailing, texting and spending time with.

 You don’t “have his back”
Your man needs to feel like you’re on his side. If you disagree with him, it’s better not to do it in mixed company, for instance. Support him in the moment and if it’s important, you can tell him about which points you disagree with, in private. Your man can’t trust you if you throw him under the bus in front of other people but he will appreciate it if you reserve your disagreements until the appropriate time.

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Read this article in Healthy Black Woman

 

Op-ed pieces and contributions are the opinions of the writers only and do not represent the opinions of Y!/YNaija.